Jokes April 2017

**Polaraco** · 04-19-2017

Originally Posted by AnOldBiker

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami, Florida.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and most all have, or could, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it ?”

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old man in the front row, raised his hand and said, “Wedding Cake ?”

There's a knee slapper

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**AnOldBiker** · 04-19-2017

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said: “Give me Liberty, or give me Death?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”

“Very good! Who said: ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'”?

Again, no response except from Martinez: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Mexicans.”

“Who said that?” she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. “Jim Bowie, 1836.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”

The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Martinez says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little ****. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh ****, we’re in BIG trouble!”

Martinez said, “Saddam Hussein 2003.”

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**AnOldBiker** · 04-19-2017

THE MEDICAL DISTINCTION BETWEEN “GUTS” AND “*****”

We’ve heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “*****”. Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS – It is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” too ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere ?”

***** – It is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “*****” to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’

I trust this clears up any confusion.
****************************
Attention for all guys that try this: Accepted Emergency Medical Phone Number within the United States is: 911

*********
opps ...
I didn't think this was on or near the line, sorry ....

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**hoe** · 04-20-2017

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I cant tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, Im sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"Ill never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

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**hoe** · 04-20-2017

Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

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**hoe** · 04-21-2017

A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman.

He climbs on top of her.

"Can I turn the light off?" he asks.

"Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?"

"No,.....it's burning my arse!"

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